26 weeks!

As of today I am 26 weeks pregnant, and my neighbor had their little girl yesterday. I just can't wait until I get to see our little girl. I'm starting to look at things in a more positive light...I have to. If I keep thinking "what if it happens again" I am going to go nuts. So, from this point forward I am making a vow to NOT think negatively about how this birth is going to go!

People say your first is always different than your other kids. That your first will always be more "exciting" because they ARE the first and everything is new. I understand that now, and I don't like it! When I was pregnant with Nathan I talked to him all the time, Lawrence feel asleep on my stomach, etc. With her we are doing the same, but not as often. We were talking about it last night and have come to the conclusion that we are doing it for two reasons; we know that once she comes Nathan is going to be jealous so we are trying to make these last few months focusing on him (probably a bad idea thinking about it), and with Nathan every little thing was exciting. For instance, when I would have ligament pain we would both freak out and worry that something was wrong. Now, when I have that, it's just...oh yeah, ligament pain, no biggie.

Yesterday was an intersting doctors apt. Basically, I asked Dr. Housel if he had a specific day that he did csections? He said he didn't, that we could do it whenever he doesn't have office hours. That if we wanted it on a Saturday, or at night, that would be fine. What?! So, basically we get to PICK when our baby comes?! That seems so odd to me, how do we decide this? It's weird that I keep thinking, "OK, when would it be easier for everyone to come in? When will it be easier to have someone watch Nathan?" I also found out that the baby is breach, which isn't a big deal since we are having a csection, but that explains why I feel the flutters on my bladder! :)

Thinking of you

Dear Baby,
Tonight Daddy is home because it was a safety day and they had to be in at 6:30 this morning. As I was chopping potatoes you kicked me really hard for the first time. I love it. But it also got me thinking; I'm scared for you. Watching Daddy and Nathan playing makes me scared that you won't be OK like your brother turned out to be. Nathan went through so much when he was born, and we were very blessed in the fact that he is alright now. However, we had many doctors tell us that it could have been much worse...and for me that means you. What if you have bleeds too? What if things are not as promising as with Nathan? I'm just so worried for you, and I feel bad because of it.
When I was pregnant with your brother I was just so excited and blissfully naive to what could happen...now I am fully aware and want to be blissful about you. I can't wait to have you here and HOME. Having you home is a big deal for Daddy and I. It took months before we had Nathan HOME. Yes, he would come home for a day or two and then we would have to have him admitted again. Plus, those days that he was sleeping at home we would still have to take him in to have his head drained. I know this is none of your concern right now, I want you to focus on growing big and strong...and let Daddy and I do all the worrying. But, I felt I needed to tell you why I am so worried about you. We love you, and can't wait for you!

Love,
Mommy

Rollercoaster weeks...

It has been some time since I have had the courage to sit down and write, even though I really needed to. On Feb. 28th Uncle Jim shot himself. Lawrence, Nathan, and I were out having a fun day shopping and getting things done. We had just left the kids haircut place when Tommy called me. He was crying, couldn't even talk at first. I kept asking him what was wrong...nothing, just tears and heavy breathing. Finally he asked what I was doing and where I was. I told him we were in the car and to tell me what was wrong. "Uncle Jim is dead." What?! What happened? "Don't worry about it, but he's dead." Tommy, what happened?? "He killed himself." How? "Don't worry about it. Hold on, let me call you back, they are calling me."

Nothing but sobbing...what the hell just happened?? Yes, he had been in an accident on the job years ago, suffered a stroke and now had some neurological issues, but he was happy. He was the most amazing guy, WHAT HAPPENED? Tommy finally calls back, after some persuasion tells me that he shot himself. He had been sitting at the table around 1:00 with Tracey, looked at her and said he was going to kill himself. She followed him to the room where he had his gun, he had the shot gun in his hands, she grabbed the barrel and he shot, thankfully it locked up. She yelled, "Jim you are going to kill me!" He then grabs the barrel and puts it in his mouth...what the hell? This is not the man I know and love. This is not the man who does everything in his power to make everyone happy. This is not the man that had a laugh that was larger than life! THIS IS NOT THE MAN WHO USED TO TAKE ME FISHING AND TO CHUCK E CHEESE. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

For the next two days I just cry, I honestly don't even remember Sunday. I was just crying in bed, wondering what happened, how God allowed this, and why I didn't call him more. I loved him so much and was terrified for what he was not going through. We are Catholic, and I didn't want to think about what we believe happens to you if you take the power of God calling you home away from him and put it into your own hands. We even have nuns and a priest in the family, they have now passed, but he is getting it from them now!! On Monday I went to work, and as soon as I walked in I burst into tears...couldn't take it. It wasn't that he just died. If he would have just died it would have been sad, but I would have been able to handle it...this was traumatic. This was something I never expected. I couldn't deal with this. The pregnancy hormones didn't help. I was spiritually and emotionall lost. I didn't know where to go, what to do, or how to let me emotions out. I couldn't drink, couldn't take my anxiety medication...everything I wanted to do I couldn't, and that was a good thing.

On Wednesday I turned 30, Uncle Jim was layed out, and I had my first ultrasound. I tried to go to St. Louis, I did. I wanted to be there for my family. Everytime I thought about being there I lost it...I didn't want to see everyone like that, I couldn't handle being there. To make things worse when I got really stressed with Nathan my counts dropped and I ended up in the hospital. For the first time I understood needing mental days. I needed time to take care of my son, my baby, and myself. Thanks to Lawrence knowing me better that I know myself he was able to do that beautifuly. He was not as upset as me, he didn't know him that well, but he knows me and how I take this type of stuff...horribly. I married the perfect man for me. I thank God for him everyday. I guess I realized how depressed I had been on Wednesday also. I was laughing at something Nathan did, the first time since hearing the news, and Nathan stopped and looked at me. I asked him why, and he said, "you are laughing! Are you not sad anymore?" I had to stop myself from crying because I was so mad at myself for letting him see how upset I was. I told him that I was still a little sad, but with his help I was getting better, and that was the trouth. Even though I was sad Uncle Jim would not have wanted that. I know he was not himself when he did this, it was his illness and the medication...not him.

On the opposite end of things we all went to the doctor and saw the baby, well sort of. I was only six weeks so you could only see the sack, and we are pretty sure we saw a heartbeat. I asked the doctor if he should be able to see the heartbeat and he said that it was too early, but that he was pretty sure he saw it...and so did I. Nathan HAD to carry the ultrasound picture of "his" baby. It was really cute, he kept saying, "oh, it is so cute! It looks like a little egg!" I am so lucky. I have an amazing husband who is my best friend, a wonderful son who I look up to for the way he looks at the world, and a "miracle" on the way. How could I ask for anything more? It amazes me how you can go from such a low to such a high. One of my favorite people in the world had taken himself from me, but I had a new life growing in me. Wow...the world is amazing.

You will never be forgotten Uncle Jim, you are an amazing human being. I pray God looks at all the wonderful things you did in your life, how you made people smile, and how you lit up the room when you walked in, and forgets how you got to Heaven. I love and miss you, rest in peace.

Yeah!

Lastnight, around 9:30, I got sick. Puked up everything I had eaten this weekend. Strangely, as I was crying I was also thinking how it is real now. I got so sick with Nathan, and now I am with this one. Odd I know, but in a way comforting. This morning I was on hold for 45 mins. waiting for a nurse to pick up at my doctor and found out that the blood test was positive! I know..."I thought we already knew you were pregnant?!" Yes, but they have to have the blood test to confirm it. So, next Thrusday we go for our first apt. and have the first ultrasound. Obviously they won't be able to see much, but fingers crossed they will be able to see how many there are, and if they are in the right spot!

30 years later...

February 20, 1979 was my due to arrive in this world, needless to say I came a little late...March 4, 1979. However, February 20, 2009 I found out I was pregnant. I took the test when I woke up, thinking it would be negative and I would call the doctor for the next round of meds. Instead it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I made an appointment for that afternoon and there was another positive test at the doctors office. Unreal...this can't be right, they were negative before! Dr. Earl then did an ultrasound and found that "everything looks like it should, but I can't see Brett." (See...Lawrence and I jokingly told Dr. Earl that if I ended up pregnant we would name the baby after him, and his first name is Brett.) I asked him if he SHOULD be able to see the baby and he said that he souldn't be because it is too early...pheww. He said that everything else looked good though, there was fluid (eww, I know) where there should be and other signs of pregnancy. OK, I'll buy that reasoning...he is the expert at knocking women up.

So, after the exam he wanted to have a blood test on file, did that, will find out the results on Monday since it was 4:45 on a Friday, then I go back in a couple weeks for another ultrasound. When he is able to confirm the pregnancy with an ultrasound I get sent to another doctor in the practice who takes over. See, Dr. Earl just gets women pregnant and then sends them to other doctors in the practice. I told him that is typical male behavior. Frankly, I want to get him a tshirt that says, "I got 1000 women pregnant and don't pay child support!"

It's weird...I have had all of the symptoms, but didn't believe it. I just pray this goes OK, because I am so scared, and yet calm at the same time. I guess you are not as nervous when you have gone through a pregnancy before. But, considering the pregnancy with Nathan was not easy by any means, you would think I would be more nervous.

False positives...

For the last few months Lawrence and I have been trying to have another baby, and on our own it was not a success, so this month I was put on fertility drugs. I was on Clomid and then Lawrence had to give me a shot of Nouvel. It was horrible. The side effects are that of pregnancy to the extreme! I was hormonal, nauseated, had hot flashes, etc. On Thursday night, even knowing it was a week too early, I took a pregnancy test...it was positive. I was so excited! I called my doctor to make sure the drugs could not give false positives and he said that since I had been given the shot almost a week before that it shouldn't be a false positive, that normally the shot is out of your body after 72 hours. Well, I took another one, and it was negative. Another one before bed and it was positive. I went to bed thinking two positive tests was a good sign! Even though it was early there was a chance of triplets this month, so I thought that maybe all three took and I just had a lot of the pregnancy hormone going on. I was wrong.

The next morning at the doctor I took another one and it was negative. The symptoms have continued all week, and still nothing...all negative tests. My doctor said that if I don't know by Friday to give him a call for another prescription of Clomid (you have to start taking it the third day of your menstral cycle). But, I called him for it yesterday because I just know that I am not pregnant, I just have that empty feeling...and it is a very depressing feeling. To know that my body had the chance of three babies, and none took, makes me feel like such a failure.

How fair is it that fertility drugs make a person who stresses about getting pregnant to begin with have the symptoms of pregnancy along with positive tests? And when did getting pregnant become so complicated? I know so many people who are having a hard time getting pregnant, needing doctors, meds, etc. I guess I just wanted that feeling of, "oh gosh, I'm pregnant. How did that happen?"

What doesn't kill you...usuallly just makes you pissed.

Right now I am listening to my iPod, Nathan putting his train tracks together, and wondering why people say "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." Who says?
Not to dwell, remember I am trying not too, but there has been a lot of shit in my life...

• In 2000 my parents divorced, their marriage sucked, but my dad had an affair with our neighbor.
• In 2002 he "marries" her (personally I feel you can only say "until death do we part" so many times before God just laughs...she has said it three times).
• In 2004 I was told I would not be able to have children on my own, private issues, but hearing that didn't make me feel stronger, it made me feel like a useless woman. Then, by some grace of God, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant two days before they were going to start us on fertility meds.
• Mother's Day of 2005 I was 7 months pregnant with my son I and diagnosed with ITP, a condition that causes my body to DESTROY my platelets (the part of your blood that clots). So, while I was lying in the labor and delivery room hearing the news that they might have to take my son early if my counts don't come back up and he will have a lot of issues coming so early I thought, "this sucks...in me is where he is supposed to be the most safe." When in reality my counts dropping meant his were probably dropping and both of us could have bleed to death. Nice. Thanks to steriod shots my counts came back up and I was able to carry Nathan to 38 weeks.
• During my three day labor my counts started to drop again, so more shots in the ass, but all of the specialists said they were not low enough to cause Nathan or I any harm...they were wrong. Nathan was born on Thursday, June 16, 2005, and that Sunday I was discharged from the hospital, and Nathan wasn't. He was kept due to jaundice, but I noticed his doctor touching his head more than I wanted him to. I kept asking him why he was so focused on his skull and he just told me he was feeling for normal things...I didn't believe him. Monday at midnight Lawrence and I had the privliadge of wheeling out four day old son down to radiology to have a CT scan of his brain. With the medical training that I have had I noticed the "butterfly effect" of his ventricles, but didn't want to believe it. The next day we were told he had a brain hemmorage and were IMMEDIATLY rushed down to the NICU. I have never seen people move so fast in my life, yet see them move so slowly. Everything was a haze, and I just remember thinking how they told me everything would be fine, and wondering what I did wrong.
• Long story short Nathan spent the first five months of his life in and out of Phoenix Children's Hospital endouring countless procedures, surgeries, and a second hemmorage. It got to the point that when Lawrence and I would carry him down from the PICU to the OR we had a routine. We would call him "fish bait" (Nemo's nickname...that moving was on 24/7 at the hospital), give him lots of hugs and kisses, tell him we would see him soon, to be good (he had a tendance of pulling out IV's, tubes from his throat and head...seriously, and heart monitors) and then give him to Dr. Manwearing. Thanks to countless prayers and the skill that Dr. Manwearing has Nathan is fantastic today! He is a happy healthy three year old who doesn't care that he has a cranial shunt, and proves to us everyday that his brain works just fine!
• March 3, 2007 I was rushed to the hospital because my counts were down again...I was bleeding internally. Had donated blood parts from over 3,000 people (one bag of platelets comes from hundreds of people...I had three, plus bags of blood, and other donated stuff). Being a child of the 80's I know the Ryan White story and didn't want donated stuff...our friends were driving from all over Arizona to come donate blood, thankfully we have the same blood type. It is a reality check when the doctor says, "we need to start your treatment within the next 20 minutes are you are going to die." Well, that was close to killing me...didn't feel any stronger, actually felt like a tool because we were at my birthday party when Lawrence noticed I had a bunch of bruises that I couldn't explain. Happy Birthday to me.
• From November of 2007 to November of 2008 Lawrence was deployed to South Korea. During this time I had to find a new job in Utah (where we are stationed now), get a house, daycare for Nathan, and oh yeah...MOVE. I am proud of what Lawrence does for our country, but you get extremely frustrated when you realize that the reason you are moving is in another country and it feels like no one is there to help.
• When Lawrence got back from Korea we decided we wanted to try for another child. Our siblings mean so much to us that we wanted to give Nathan the gift of siblings as well. We knew that we would probably have to go right to the fertility specialist, but we thought we would just see what happens first. A few weeks ago I found out that all of the treatments I have had for ITP act like the depoprovera (birth control) shot that stops you from functioning "normally" when it comes to reproduction. Nice...

During all of this stuff I never felt stronger...I always felt weaker. Weaker as a Mom, wondering what I did to make this happen to him, weaker as a sister because I was losing it when my Dad left and just wanted to run instead of help, and a weaker person in general because I felt like I couldn't deal with any of this crap without crying, screaming, hitting something, etc.

The times that make me feel strong have nothing to do with coming "close to death." They are the times and people that make me smile:

• Knowing that I found the man of my dreams, my best friend, my rock in good times and bad, and the greatest daddy all wrapped up in a man that, for some reasons, loves me more than life itself.
• I was a collegiate athlete, and am a college graduate. Yes, I know a lot of people look at a diploma as a piece of paper, but I am damn proud of that piece of paper.
• Knowing that everyday I have the privledge of helping to mold 7th and 8th graders into amazing people.
• The knowledge that regardless of what happened with Nathan, my body did what it was supposed to do when it came to getting pregnant, the actual pregnancy, and delivering him.
• My friends...most of whom I don't get to see enough. Thanks Uncle Sam.
• I am a strong woman (hear me roar) who cand and does accomplish great things.

So, in all of this rambling my question still stands; why do people think that you become the strongest after the hardest times in your life?

Why can't the saying be "what makes your heart smile, makes you stronger"?