Not to dwell, remember I am trying not too, but there has been a lot of shit in my life...
- In 2000 my parents divorced, their marriage sucked, but my dad had an affair with our neighbor.
- In 2002 he "marries" her (personally I feel you can only say "until death do we part" so many times before God just laughs...she has said it three times).
- In 2004 I was told I would not be able to have children on my own, private issues, but hearing that didn't make me feel stronger, it made me feel like a useless woman. Then, by some grace of God, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant two days before they were going to start us on fertility meds.
- Mother's Day of 2005 I was 7 months pregnant with my son I and diagnosed with ITP, a condition that causes my body to DESTROY my platelets (the part of your blood that clots). So, while I was lying in the labor and delivery room hearing the news that they might have to take my son early if my counts don't come back up and he will have a lot of issues coming so early I thought, "this sucks...in me is where he is supposed to be the most safe." When in reality my counts dropping meant his were probably dropping and both of us could have bleed to death. Nice. Thanks to steriod shots my counts came back up and I was able to carry Nathan to 38 weeks.
- During my three day labor my counts started to drop again, so more shots in the ass, but all of the specialists said they were not low enough to cause Nathan or I any harm...they were wrong. Nathan was born on Thursday, June 16, 2005, and that Sunday I was discharged from the hospital, and Nathan wasn't. He was kept due to jaundice, but I noticed his doctor touching his head more than I wanted him to. I kept asking him why he was so focused on his skull and he just told me he was feeling for normal things...I didn't believe him. Monday at midnight Lawrence and I had the privliadge of wheeling out four day old son down to radiology to have a CT scan of his brain. With the medical training that I have had I noticed the "butterfly effect" of his ventricles, but didn't want to believe it. The next day we were told he had a brain hemmorage and were IMMEDIATLY rushed down to the NICU. I have never seen people move so fast in my life, yet see them move so slowly. Everything was a haze, and I just remember thinking how they told me everything would be fine, and wondering what I did wrong.
- Long story short Nathan spent the first five months of his life in and out of Phoenix Children's Hospital endouring countless procedures, surgeries, and a second hemmorage. It got to the point that when Lawrence and I would carry him down from the PICU to the OR we had a routine. We would call him "fish bait" (Nemo's nickname...that moving was on 24/7 at the hospital), give him lots of hugs and kisses, tell him we would see him soon, to be good (he had a tendance of pulling out IV's, tubes from his throat and head...seriously, and heart monitors) and then give him to Dr. Manwearing. Thanks to countless prayers and the skill that Dr. Manwearing has Nathan is fantastic today! He is a happy healthy three year old who doesn't care that he has a cranial shunt, and proves to us everyday that his brain works just fine!
- March 3, 2007 I was rushed to the hospital because my counts were down again...I was bleeding internally. Had donated blood parts from over 3,000 people (one bag of platelets comes from hundreds of people...I had three, plus bags of blood, and other donated stuff). Being a child of the 80's I know the Ryan White story and didn't want donated stuff...our friends were driving from all over Arizona to come donate blood, thankfully we have the same blood type. It is a reality check when the doctor says, "we need to start your treatment within the next 20 minutes are you are going to die." Well, that was close to killing me...didn't feel any stronger, actually felt like a tool because we were at my birthday party when Lawrence noticed I had a bunch of bruises that I couldn't explain. Happy Birthday to me.
- From November of 2007 to November of 2008 Lawrence was deployed to South Korea. During this time I had to find a new job in Utah (where we are stationed now), get a house, daycare for Nathan, and oh yeah...MOVE. I am proud of what Lawrence does for our country, but you get extremely frustrated when you realize that the reason you are moving is in another country and it feels like no one is there to help.
- When Lawrence got back from Korea we decided we wanted to try for another child. Our siblings mean so much to us that we wanted to give Nathan the gift of siblings as well. We knew that we would probably have to go right to the fertility specialist, but we thought we would just see what happens first. A few weeks ago I found out that all of the treatments I have had for ITP act like the depoprovera (birth control) shot that stops you from functioning "normally" when it comes to reproduction. Nice...
During all of this stuff I never felt stronger...I always felt weaker. Weaker as a Mom, wondering what I did to make this happen to him, weaker as a sister because I was losing it when my Dad left and just wanted to run instead of help, and a weaker person in general because I felt like I couldn't deal with any of this crap without crying, screaming, hitting something, etc.
The times that make me feel strong have nothing to do with coming "close to death." They are the times and people that make me smile:
- Knowing that I found the man of my dreams, my best friend, my rock in good times and bad, and the greatest daddy all wrapped up in a man that, for some reasons, loves me more than life itself.
- I was a collegiate athlete, and am a college graduate. Yes, I know a lot of people look at a diploma as a piece of paper, but I am damn proud of that piece of paper.
- Knowing that everyday I have the privledge of helping to mold 7th and 8th graders into amazing people.
- The knowledge that regardless of what happened with Nathan, my body did what it was supposed to do when it came to getting pregnant, the actual pregnancy, and delivering him.
- My friends...most of whom I don't get to see enough. Thanks Uncle Sam.
- I am a strong woman (hear me roar) who cand and does accomplish great things.
So, in all of this rambling my question still stands; why do people think that you become the strongest after the hardest times in your life?
Why can't the saying be "what makes your heart smile, makes you stronger"?
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