Rollercoaster weeks...

It has been some time since I have had the courage to sit down and write, even though I really needed to. On Feb. 28th Uncle Jim shot himself. Lawrence, Nathan, and I were out having a fun day shopping and getting things done. We had just left the kids haircut place when Tommy called me. He was crying, couldn't even talk at first. I kept asking him what was wrong...nothing, just tears and heavy breathing. Finally he asked what I was doing and where I was. I told him we were in the car and to tell me what was wrong. "Uncle Jim is dead." What?! What happened? "Don't worry about it, but he's dead." Tommy, what happened?? "He killed himself." How? "Don't worry about it. Hold on, let me call you back, they are calling me."

Nothing but sobbing...what the hell just happened?? Yes, he had been in an accident on the job years ago, suffered a stroke and now had some neurological issues, but he was happy. He was the most amazing guy, WHAT HAPPENED? Tommy finally calls back, after some persuasion tells me that he shot himself. He had been sitting at the table around 1:00 with Tracey, looked at her and said he was going to kill himself. She followed him to the room where he had his gun, he had the shot gun in his hands, she grabbed the barrel and he shot, thankfully it locked up. She yelled, "Jim you are going to kill me!" He then grabs the barrel and puts it in his mouth...what the hell? This is not the man I know and love. This is not the man who does everything in his power to make everyone happy. This is not the man that had a laugh that was larger than life! THIS IS NOT THE MAN WHO USED TO TAKE ME FISHING AND TO CHUCK E CHEESE. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

For the next two days I just cry, I honestly don't even remember Sunday. I was just crying in bed, wondering what happened, how God allowed this, and why I didn't call him more. I loved him so much and was terrified for what he was not going through. We are Catholic, and I didn't want to think about what we believe happens to you if you take the power of God calling you home away from him and put it into your own hands. We even have nuns and a priest in the family, they have now passed, but he is getting it from them now!! On Monday I went to work, and as soon as I walked in I burst into tears...couldn't take it. It wasn't that he just died. If he would have just died it would have been sad, but I would have been able to handle it...this was traumatic. This was something I never expected. I couldn't deal with this. The pregnancy hormones didn't help. I was spiritually and emotionall lost. I didn't know where to go, what to do, or how to let me emotions out. I couldn't drink, couldn't take my anxiety medication...everything I wanted to do I couldn't, and that was a good thing.

On Wednesday I turned 30, Uncle Jim was layed out, and I had my first ultrasound. I tried to go to St. Louis, I did. I wanted to be there for my family. Everytime I thought about being there I lost it...I didn't want to see everyone like that, I couldn't handle being there. To make things worse when I got really stressed with Nathan my counts dropped and I ended up in the hospital. For the first time I understood needing mental days. I needed time to take care of my son, my baby, and myself. Thanks to Lawrence knowing me better that I know myself he was able to do that beautifuly. He was not as upset as me, he didn't know him that well, but he knows me and how I take this type of stuff...horribly. I married the perfect man for me. I thank God for him everyday. I guess I realized how depressed I had been on Wednesday also. I was laughing at something Nathan did, the first time since hearing the news, and Nathan stopped and looked at me. I asked him why, and he said, "you are laughing! Are you not sad anymore?" I had to stop myself from crying because I was so mad at myself for letting him see how upset I was. I told him that I was still a little sad, but with his help I was getting better, and that was the trouth. Even though I was sad Uncle Jim would not have wanted that. I know he was not himself when he did this, it was his illness and the medication...not him.

On the opposite end of things we all went to the doctor and saw the baby, well sort of. I was only six weeks so you could only see the sack, and we are pretty sure we saw a heartbeat. I asked the doctor if he should be able to see the heartbeat and he said that it was too early, but that he was pretty sure he saw it...and so did I. Nathan HAD to carry the ultrasound picture of "his" baby. It was really cute, he kept saying, "oh, it is so cute! It looks like a little egg!" I am so lucky. I have an amazing husband who is my best friend, a wonderful son who I look up to for the way he looks at the world, and a "miracle" on the way. How could I ask for anything more? It amazes me how you can go from such a low to such a high. One of my favorite people in the world had taken himself from me, but I had a new life growing in me. Wow...the world is amazing.

You will never be forgotten Uncle Jim, you are an amazing human being. I pray God looks at all the wonderful things you did in your life, how you made people smile, and how you lit up the room when you walked in, and forgets how you got to Heaven. I love and miss you, rest in peace.